Clear My Mind

My first night being home and sleeping in my bed. Willie and I have been sleeping at the hospital since last tuesday. This weekend we realized Hoyt's hospital stay may run longer then we hoped. We became aware that we may be at the hospital for another week or better and that would need to make some adjustments. Willie is having to go back to work so we are having to split taking turns being at the hospital. Tonight I am home with Vance. Im feeling restless, Im missing Willie and I want to hold my baby. I've come back to a home that is basically how I left it over a week ago...  clothes folded and clean laundry as we left it, a fridge full of food that hasn't been touched and baby blankets, burp cloths and a bassinet that aren't being used.

I pulled up my computer to check on some emails and pay some bills and all of the photos I've taken since his birth and his newborn photo shoot are sitting there in my iphoto file and tears start flowing.  Vance has "spend the night" syndrome from being lovingly adored and cared for by both sets of his grandparents  since the 9th and he is casually calling me "Wema" (chris) & "DeeDee" (my mom). Secretly it hurts my feelings.

  He looks bigger, acts bigger, is saying things I've never heard and I'm feeling like I've missed out on something. I'm homesick for my bed, my home, my life before this. I'm physical exhausted. I'm emotionally exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. The fact that my hormones are out of wack from just having a baby as well as having surgery myself is not helping.  Anything and everything can bring the tears and does. I have had all these visions of what these last  2 weeks would be like and this was not it!  And as much as all these things matter to me the only thing I can think about is getting my baby home and healthy. Since that time is not now,  I'm finding myself sitting here doing what is therapeutic to me... blogging and editing photos and hopefully I can stay on top of all the events that have happened in this crazy month of May. I have lots and lots of photos to get through and more posts to hopefully finish.


Kim & Max Willis family said...

im so sad that you have to go through this. it breaks my heart. my sister-in-law had her little baby the same day as you. i was holding her today and i thought about you not being able to have your sweet tiny little man home:( im so sorry~ let me know if you need someone to talk to or anything else. :) we LOVE your family.

Lisa said...

We love you guys! Wish I was there to help you out. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this... We'll keep you in our prayers. Miss you guys like crazy!!!